Joke of the Day

Customer: Hi, good afternoon, this is Martha, I can't print. Every time I try, it says 'Can't find printer'. I've even lifted the printer and placed it in front of the monitor, but the computer still says he can't find it...

Three old ladies named Gertrude, Maude, and Audrey were sitting on
a park bench having a conversation, when a flasher approached from across
the park.
The flasher came up to the ladies, stood right in front of them,
and to their shock and dismay, opened his trench coat.
Gertrude immediately had a stroke.
Then Maude also had a stroke.

But Audrey, being older and a bit more feeble, couldn't reach that far.

i took my dog to the vets this morning,,the vet picked him up looked him all over and said im afraid im going to have to put him down i said is he that ill! the vet said no hes frkin heavy

A young child asks her dad, " Daddy, where does poo come from"?
An embarrassed dad thinks about it, then replies,
"well honey, you know after you eat your dinner and your tummy gets so full that makes you want to go to the toliet, then poo comes from your bottom".
The young child stares at her dad , with tears in her eyes asks, " And Tigger"?

Do you know what they call that saggy piece of worthless skin that is attached directly to mans' pen1s?.........................THE MAN

I found this TRUE story elsewhere & just knew it needed to shared here!

How to call the police when you're old & don't move fast anymore:

George Phillips of Meridian, Mississippi was going up to bed when his wife told him that he'd left the light on in the garden shed, which she could see from the bedroom window.

George opened the back door to go turn off the light but saw that there were people in the shed stealing things.

He phoned the police, who asked "Is someone in your house?" and he said "no". Then they said that all patrols were busy, and that he should simply lock his door and an officer would be along when available.

George said, "Okay," hung up, counted to 30, and phoned the police again.

"Hello, I just called you a few seconds ago because there were people in my shed. Well, you don't have to worry about them now cause I've just shot them all." Then he hung up.

Within five minutes three police cars, an Armed Response unit, and an ambulance showed up at the Phillips' residence and caught the burglars red-handed.

One of the Policemen said to George: "I thought you said that you'd shot them!"

George said, "I thought you said there was nobody available!"

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FREE PUPPIES: Motherm AKC German Shepherd Father, Super Dog...able to leap tall fences in a single bound.

FOUND: Dirty white dog, looks like a rat...been out awhile. Better be a reward.

Cows/calves...never bred///1 gay bull for sale cheap.

Nordic Track $300.00 Hardly used. Call Chubby

Georgia peaches...California grown-89 cents a pound

Joining nudist colony! Must sell washer & dryer $400.00


Wedding dres for sale: Worn once by mistake.

For Sale By Owner: Complete set Encyclopedia Britannica, 45 volumes, excellent condition $1,000.00 OBO
No longer needed, Married last month...husband knows everything

A wealthy man was having an affair with an Italian woman for several years.

One night, during one of their rendezvous, she confided in him that she was pregnant.

Not wanting to ruin his reputation or his marriage, he offered to pay her a large sum of money if she would go to Italy to secretly have the child.

If she stayed in Italy to raise the child, he ould also provide child support until the child turned 18.

She agreed, but asked how he would know when the baby was born. To keep it discreet, he told her to simply mail him a post card, and write "Spaghetti" on the on the back. He would then arrange for child support payments to begin.


One day, about 8 months later, he came home to his confused wife. His wife said, "Honey, you received a very strange post card today."


"Oh, just give it to me and I'll explain it," he said.


The wife handed him the card and watched as her husband read the card, turned white and collapsed.


On the card was written:


"Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti.



Two with meatballs, one without! Request bread..."
_________________

11 PEOPLE ON A ROPE

Eleven people were hanging on a rope under a helicopter,
ten men and one woman.

The rope was not strong enough to carry them all,
so they decided that one had to leave,
because otherwise they were all going to fall.
They weren't able to name that person,
until the woman gave a very touching speech.

She said that she would voluntarily let go of the rope,
because, as a woman, she was used to giving up everything
for her husband and kids or for men in general,
and was used to always making sacrifices with little in return.

As soon as she finished her speech, all the men started clapping.